highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
