I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
