ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
