I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
