Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
this just has baby written all over it
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
