The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
