I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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