don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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