I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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