But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
