I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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