giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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