youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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