I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
