I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
