I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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