you traded sex for a burrito?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
