Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
