i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There r osticjed everywhere
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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