Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
