Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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