I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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