i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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