On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
50% drunk capacity currently
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
