If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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