I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
