my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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