happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
