I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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