hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
