i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
