sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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