My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
