It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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