I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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