Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
