Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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