So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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