I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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