I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
