Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
