Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
pop tarts are not kleenex
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
