Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
