Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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