The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
