This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
