I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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