I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
it glows. i had to have it.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i drank out of a bidet.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
