I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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