i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she told me i tasted like america
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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