I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
he puts the penis in happiness.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
