quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
