i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
