I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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